A Little Itchy

My mom and dad are very devout Roman Catholics, so growing up in our house you pretty much had to deal with confessions, first communions, kneeling, wearing itchy clothing on Sunday and vying for a spot to become an altar boy, among other things.

Of great importance, also, was the church doctrine of keeping the sexual curiosity of the younger parishioners thoroughly bottled up and locked away because any interest in such things would more than likely lead to a life of sin and an eternity in hell.

Escaping from that religion was like unloading a monkey off my back.

With that in mind, here’s how my spirit guides demonstrated their sense of humor to me.

This summer in Atlanta was brutal, with temperatures and humidity levels in the mid to upper 90’s on many days.

Working outside as I do in these conditions can cause certain ailments of the skin to crop up and where these rashes develop can be in the most unwelcome of places.

After suffering for a few days with a nasty discomfort well established in my crotch, I felt it was time to do some research in an effort to diagnose myself. A simple case of prickly heat, this was not.

So I sat down with my iPad, pulled up Google and did an online search for symptoms such as mine.

Google returned thousands of hits. I clicked on one that seemed legitimate and informative and instead of seeing a dermatology directory or a physician’s reference, I was looking at a page from a website for Catholic boys.

“You are infected with tinea cruris, more commonly known as jock itch, which is an indication of an inattention to cleanliness, harboring unsavory visions of young girls and touching your own sexual organs much more than necessary.”

All I could do was start laughing. Loudly.

9 thoughts on “A Little Itchy

  1. Karma007 says:

    Mike, that is hilarious. I too grew up in a very devout Roman Catholic family, school college the whole bit. I can regale a story that still makes me laugh.

    During the presentation of the gifts, our family is chosen to take them to the alter, we proceeded very proudly in our Sunday best, dad had the wine mom had the tray with napkin to wipe the chalice, my sister had the the water and I had the hosts.

    Half way up the aisle, I trip in my patent leather shoes, the hosts are propelled in the air and are raining down on the first five rows of parishioners. You could see the look of awe on everyone’s faces, it was in slow motion. My underoos were on display for everyone behind me.

    My parents are humiliated beyond belief, I picked myself up, proceeded to the alter and told Father,” I took are of the first five rows, you can do the rest”. The remainder of the mass was a comedy of errors. While they scrambled for more hosts, I slipped back into our family pew, retrieved one that was stuck in the pinafore of my dress, gave myself communion and NEVER was asked to bring up the gifts again.

    I was a HERO to my friends the next day in school, they too had nightmares about doing the same thing, so they could sympathize with me in my hour of need. That was the start of my comedy career in catholic school.

    So my friend, good luck with the jock itch, at least it’s not poison ivy!

    • mike0v says:

      Karol,

      Oh, the jock itch was cured easily with the right meds.

      But do you see how my spirit guides were joking with me? Out of hundreds of websites I could have clicked on, I clicked on a Catholic website. And the website blamed ME for the malady.

      I looked up at my ceiling and said, “Well, it’s nice to know that you guys have a sense of humor!”

  2. LidaV says:

    Mike,
    baby powdee with constarch…yellow label…works great. or Desitin, lie I used to used on my babies bottoms, with powder to ‘set it’. sorry to say, the hot weather & humidity does it to me too…ewww!

    Karol & Mike,
    I too, was raised a Catholic, then became a Jehovah’s Witness later on. Talk about out of the fry pan. Both of these religions do a lot of damage to kids in different ways. Never mind quel your individuality and freedom of choice! and keep you enslaved to FEAR! I know how much the JW’s svared Bill growing up…some horror stories there.
    But as they grew up (both of mine) they were allowed to have the freedom to chose what they wished to believe in. I never felt that I should choose for them…just not right. And they turned out pretty well if I do say so myself. After years of ‘getting over’ all the psycholical damage the JW’s did to them…and me & their dad. We are all in a better spiritual place now. With freedom to boot.

  3. Julia says:

    Wow! To think you can get jock itch from a religion. To funny! Thanks for the laugh. (Actually, it’s a sad statement of organized religion isn’t it?)

  4. ksense says:

    I hear Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Is it because they don’t like random strangers coming up to their doors?

  5. ksense says:

    That’s a touchy subject, Mike.

  6. mike0v says:

    Groan!

    It’s glaringly obvious that we’re gonna need a better joke writer for this blog!

  7. LOL. Glad I caught this one, too! Great jokes. :D

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